311290

Looking back… 1990 brought us Lakeshore enterprises,

a little more freedom.

a little more responsibility for ourselves.

many people in and out of the system that believe in us.--

and a hope for all (unintelligible) to better themselves.

We have seen many changes for the better in others, but most of all in our selves,   a new hope, a brighter future!

May 1991 bring you peace with yourself, a feeling of accomplishment for where you are and what you are. new goals to be even better Next year. and dream of hope for all people.

Understand you are not alone in your struggle just to make it through another day and that tomorrow will be better because of your efforts.

Happy New Year!

glenn m.

            12-31-1990

(He had D.I.D. His alt's name was Glenn M. Lakeshore refers to the mental hospital he was in)

( I have kept the spelling mistakes.)

060621

Change about myself?

What would I change about myself?

The conflict with-out and with-in the mood swings from I am all good and everything I do is better than what others can do— g.m.

I am useless, a criminal failure, who admitts super ego, sees it for what it is and only tolerates it. Yes I tolerate a lot of things. Short comings and inforfections in myself as well as others.   I am an old man now who has failed in his dreams.

The wall I have carefully constructed around myself protects me quite effectuablly from others, while, at the same time keeps me isolated and lonely. So when I can find happiness with-in and about myself I tend to with (unintelligible) into fantasy and or sleep where it is safe.

Safe from what?   Failure? the truth? *Glenn M. says, “No you are this, yes you can, it’s my realality, my world that I myself have made, now let me have it! and so on…

Change, what would I like to change?   maybe my view of who and what I am?   But, would I accept that? As truth or just another person’s opinion?

I understand denial is all part of what’s going on.   So?

Right, or Wrong vs. Differant. What’s real and what’s not?   Is only the way we percieve information from Stimuli,   How we recieve information, how we analyze, store and use this information, Disgarding what we don’t need. as in Pick and Choose.

use it to your advantage…learn every (unintelligible)?   For what end? What good is it.?    Is health important. friends, monetary things?    What’s real. Learn the truth and serve God… What would I like to change? Well, constantly analyzing and judging, changing and adjusting, seeing everything as good or bad. Why can’t I just accept things for what they are?   But,... what if I’m wrong? I don’t like to be wrong. That’s why on my wall, “I’m so sorry! Because it seems I’ve been wrong so many times. I lose faith in myself and my abilities, 

Am I real? If so, for what end? What is it I’m supposed to do?

There is no sponsinatiy in my life, everything is planned, not always well planned granted, but planned just the same.   No sponsinaity, no impulse? Every move, action, word planned, making love making and emotions cold and meaning less.   Relationships,? For what end? For what purpose? I don’t understand the value of other people, other than promoting and praise of self. Though I realize I’m NO good. I see and hear flaws in everything I do, making their praise, opinions of fools. Once again, building me up and at the same time, putting me down. They’re fools. I know what’s going on… or I believe I do… and they don’t.

Women and children are separate uses to be considered. But I won’t get into that now. That’s not (unintelligible) and would not benefit Glenn M.

See, I’m in a position where I can set myself up (on others) to justify my beliefs… wheather or not the results are positive or negative, see… just as I thought, I was right all along.   And I have found most people are willing to play right into this… See.. I am smart! 

(I have kept the spelling mistakes.)

270978

Wednesday September 27, 1978

I hesitated for quite some time during Fall break before gaining enough nerve to try and see her again. Even on this very day I circled the house around the house and around the block trying to decide wheather or not to turn in the drive that went to her house.

*You see I think of her a lot now, as I have for the last eight years. She is energy to me, as I go through the, more or less, boring routine of day to day. I am very aware she has become a fantasy to me. She is god, perfect, the “golden tit” you might say. But just to talk to her, or if I see her out somewhere, this energy I can “run on for quite some time. Then it must be recaptured . That’s why I’m here at her house again today. 

I rang the door bell, her mother came and asked me in, as she had befor.  Care for some coffee she ask. No thank you, I answered. Then in almost the same breath, Yea, I will have that coffee too. She asked if I drink it black and went into the kitchen.

I noticed a picture of her Grandson and said, “I see you have a picture of your baby.” “yes,” was her reply, “I miss him too. Their in Colorado now. 

                    *This let me know that the girl I had come to see wasn’t there. I felt kind of relived. You see I feel I must see her, but at the same time don’t want to destroy the fantasy  that she has become.

We sat and drank coffee. I ask why I felt so uncomfortable there. looking at my hands.

* As Nessie showed her head above the water again. Nessie is my paranoia, that  doesn’t show as much as it once did. But still pops up from time to time, so named.

We talked of many different things. She told me they passed where I worked and her husband wondered if I was working.

*Meaning I’m not totally out of mind. 

We talked about my divorce, did I live in an apartment, about my daughter and families in gerneral.

I finished my coffee and said I had an Appointment  to keep. As I was leaving I turned to her mother and said, “I wish I didn’t love your daughter, but I do.”

*Now on other visits I told her I  wouldn’t be back, because I didn’t  want to cause her any trouble, but I keep going back. An interesting  paradox to say the least.

*Notes

(in handwriting) mother said, I got married. it dove me (unintelligible) I learned not to that again.

(My notes about this letter. He is talking about a woman he stalked named Sharon. She did move away because he kept breaking the restraining order she had put on him. 

I have kept the spelling mistakes.)

250818

- August 25, 2018

lay down already! it's so nice out here. yes, it's a cage but really who cares? oh! a nice breeze! don't touch that bee you tard! i would miss the birds. the smell, not so much.

170216

I want to cut so bad. I can feel where the blade wants to dance. but I won't. my blade to me is like liquor to an alcoholic; a drug to a junkie. I'm like them. but I am sober. the temptation is there. always. there. but I will love and respect myself and keep my blade at bay. I have to learn to deal with that addiction. and I have for the most part. it's hard. it's my drug. I love and respect myself. my body has done nothing to hurt me so why should I hurt it? and my therapy has been to write this. there. all better.

how to give a cat eye drops (a true story)

the first and most important thing about giving your cat eyedrops is to make sure its eye is infected. if it is, proceed to the vet.

if you need to go to the vet, now would be the time to pray; maybe say a few hail mary's.

next, get the cat carrier out, hopefully without the cat seeing it. now put the carrier in a small place; the bathroom is an excellent place to put it.

now, coax the kitty into the bathroom. i hope at this time you have put the carrier into the bathtub. the best position for the carrier is to have the opening facing upward. this will make it easier for you.

have 911 ready to go.

pray.

slowly coo and pet the kitty. don't let her know anything is up.

grab the kitty quickly, still cooing her.

open the shower curtain. if she sees the carrier, follow the next step.

                         pray! for the love of god! PRAY!

i hope you have a pint or two of blood ready just incase you suffer deep scratches. it would also be wise to have bandages and other first aide products with you.

if your kitty hasn't seen the carrier, congratulations; you are a cat carrier ninja!

at this point i will assume the cat has been gently but forcibly shoved in her carrier.

you should now check yourself for any injuries you may have incurred.

if you find you are bleeding, please follow the instructions below.

- it's  okay to bleed a little; that's part of the battle.

-if you find blood running or dripping from a body part, please find the tourniquet that is in your first aide kit. at this point you should have 911 on the phone while tying the tourniquet the best you can.

-please try to stay awake.

-if you have discovered that one of your limbs is missing, please do not panic and call 911. please try to stay awake. help is on its way.

okay, now that you are still alive and, hopefully, in one piece; it is now time to place the kitty in the car.

you may notice that the kitty is moving in the carrier and yowling angrily. this is okay. please keep your fingers well away from the openings in the crate. an angry cat can find a way to hurt you if you get to close.

it’s okay to turn the radio up as loud as you need to. if kitty yowls louder, make the music louder; sing loud, too.

you are now at the vet. so far, so good.

the nurse will greet you and take the angry yowling kitty with her.

-at this point the kitty will be weighed.

the vet and her nurse will extract the kitty from the crate.

-she looks at the kitty’s eye and determines the kitty does indeed have an eye infection

the nurse puts the kitty back into he carrier.

the vet will give you some ointment to put into her eye.

pray.

when you and kitty arrive home:

-place the carrier onto the floor.

-quickly undo the latch on the door and run; pray.

once you are the kitty is out of the carrier and far from you, it’s time to put the carrier away until next time.

now would be a good time to go to the bathroom and clean up the mess. you may need to explain it all to the forensics team that is there. it’s just a misunderstanding. show them the injuries if they don’t believe you.

now would be a good time to rest, maybe with a stiff drink.

uh-oh! you see the kitty coming to you.

pray, and do not panic. maybe she wants a cuddle? maybe she wants to finish the job. cats can hold grudges.

at this point it has been several hours later and it’s bed time; it’s also time for kitty’s eyedrops.

once again, pray.

follow the directions for getting kitty into the bathroom.     

now that kitty is dumb enough to have followed you back into the bathroom do the following:

-baby talk and coo at the kitty. you can say such things as “who’s mommy’s wittle baby-waby?” “as you mommy’s kitty? mommy’s wittle kitty-witty.”

-when she has relaxed with the cooing, now would be a good time to pet her softly. if you have a brush nearby, brush her gently; head to tail.

at this time you may notice that kitty is relaxed and purring contently. now would be the time to get the medicine. hopefully, she won’t have noticed this.

now, belly flop on top of her. she will start to hiss, spit, yowl and scratch. pray.

at this point you should have her head between your hands.

-her head should be tilted upwards. it would be in your best intrests to try to keep your hands and fingers away from her teeth.

-open the infected eye as wide as you can. she will fight, but you must keep going.

-place the applicator close to the eye, but not too close. gently squeeze the tube to place the ointment into her eye. at this point kitty should be growling.

-when the ointment is in the eye, or at least near the eye, gently rub the medicine into her eye. your fingers should never actually touch the eye.

now would be a good time to once again examine yourself for any injuries.

congratulations! you have just given kitty her eyedrops. you have two more weeks of this wonderful time to catch up on your rosary.

300113

thats too little bitch to someone
pismo sloth images of luck
i want that shit my much
i need to lose fat because i don't
let me miss out of it