12.12.14

how to give a cat eye drops (a true story)

the first and most important thing about giving your cat eyedrops is to make sure its eye is infected. if it is, proceed to the vet.

if you need to go to the vet, now would be the time to pray; maybe say a few hail mary's.

next, get the cat carrier out, hopefully without the cat seeing it. now put the carrier in a small place; the bathroom is an excellent place to put it.

now, coax the kitty into the bathroom. i hope at this time you have put the carrier into the bathtub. the best position for the carrier is to have the opening facing upward. this will make it easier for you.

have 911 ready to go.

pray.

slowly coo and pet the kitty. don't let her know anything is up.

grab the kitty quickly, still cooing her.

open the shower curtain. if she sees the carrier, follow the next step.

                         pray! for the love of god! PRAY!

i hope you have a pint or two of blood ready just incase you suffer deep scratches. it would also be wise to have bandages and other first aide products with you.

if your kitty hasn't seen the carrier, congratulations; you are a cat carrier ninja!

at this point i will assume the cat has been gently but forcibly shoved in her carrier.

you should now check yourself for any injuries you may have incurred.

if you find you are bleeding, please follow the instructions below.

- it's  okay to bleed a little; that's part of the battle.
-if you find blood running or dripping from a body part, please find the tourniquet that is in your first aide kit. at this point you should have 911 on the phone while tying the tourniquet the best you can.
-please try to stay awake.
-if you have discovered that one of your limbs is missing, please do not panic and call 911. please try to stay awake. help is on its way.

okay, now that you are still alive and, hopefully, in one piece; it is now time to place the kitty in the car.

you may notice that the kitty is moving in the carrier and yowling angrily. this is okay. please keep your fingers well away from the openings in the crate. an angry cat can find a way to hurt you if you get to close.

it’s okay to turn the radio up as loud as you need to. if kitty yowls louder, make the music louder; sing loud, too.

you are now at the vet. so far, so good.

the nurse will greet you and take the angry yowling kitty with her.

-at this point the kitty will be weighed.

the vet and her nurse will extract the kitty from the crate.

-she looks at the kitty’s eye and determines the kitty does indeed have an eye infection
the nurse puts the kitty back into he carrier.

the vet will give you some ointment to put into her eye.

pray.

when you and kitty arrive home:

-place the carrier onto the floor.
-quickly undo the latch on the door and run; pray.

once you are the kitty is out of the carrier and far from you, it’s time to put the carrier away until next time.

now would be a good time to go to the bathroom and clean up the mess. you may need to explain it all to the forensics team that is there. it’s just a misunderstanding. show them the injuries if they don’t believe you.

now would be a good time to rest, maybe with a stiff drink.

uh-oh! you see the kitty coming to you.

pray, and do not panic. maybe she wants a cuddle? maybe she wants to finish the job. cats can hold grudges.

at this point it has been several hours later and it’s bed time; it’s also time for kitty’s eyedrops.

once again, pray.

follow the directions for getting kitty into the bathroom.     

now that kitty is dumb enough to have followed you back into the bathroom do the following:

-baby talk and coo at the kitty. you can say such things as “who’s mommy’s wittle baby-waby?” “as you mommy’s kitty? mommy’s wittle kitty-witty.”
-when she has relaxed with the cooing, now would be a good time to pet her softly. if you have a brush nearby, brush her gently; head to tail.

at this time you may notice that kitty is relaxed and purring contently. now would be the time to get the medicine. hopefully, she won’t have noticed this.

now, belly flop on top of her. she will start to hiss, spit, yowl and scratch. pray.

at this point you should have her head between your hands.

-her head should be tilted upwards. it would be in your best intrests to try to keep your hands and fingers away from her teeth.
-open the infected eye as wide as you can. she will fight, but you must keep going.
-place the applicator close to the eye, but not too close. gently squeeze the tube to place the ointment into her eye. at this point kitty should be growling.
-when the ointment is in the eye, or at least near the eye, gently rub the medicine into her eye. your fingers should never actually touch the eye.

now would be a good time to once again examine yourself for any injuries.


congratulations! you have just given kitty her eyedrops. you have two more weeks of this wonderful time to catch up on your rosary.