Wednesday September 27, 1978
I hesitated for quite some time during Fall break before gaining enough nerve to try and see her again. Even on this very day I circled the house around the house and around the block trying to decide wheather or not to turn in the drive that went to her house.
*You see I think of her a lot now, as I have for the last eight years. She is energy to me, as I go through the, more or less, boring routine of day to day. I am very aware she has become a fantasy to me. She is god, perfect, the “golden tit” you might say. But just to talk to her, or if I see her out somewhere, this energy I can “run on for quite some time. Then it must be recaptured . That’s why I’m here at her house again today.
I rang the door bell, her mother came and asked me in, as she had befor. Care for some coffee she ask. No thank you, I answered. Then in almost the same breath, Yea, I will have that coffee too. She asked if I drink it black and went into the kitchen.
I noticed a picture of her Grandson and said, “I see you have a picture of your baby.” “yes,” was her reply, “I miss him too. Their in Colorado now.
*This let me know that the girl I had come to see wasn’t there. I felt kind of relived. You see I feel I must see her, but at the same time don’t want to destroy the fantasy that she has become.
We sat and drank coffee. I ask why I felt so uncomfortable there. looking at my hands.
* As Nessie showed her head above the water again. Nessie is my paranoia, that doesn’t show as much as it once did. But still pops up from time to time, so named.
We talked of many different things. She told me they passed where I worked and her husband wondered if I was working.
*Meaning I’m not totally out of mind.
We talked about my divorce, did I live in an apartment, about my daughter and families in gerneral.
I finished my coffee and said I had an Appointment to keep. As I was leaving I turned to her mother and said, “I wish I didn’t love your daughter, but I do.”
*Now on other visits I told her I wouldn’t be back, because I didn’t want to cause her any trouble, but I keep going back. An interesting paradox to say the least.
*Notes
(in handwriting) mother said, I got married. it dove me (unintelligible) I learned not to that again.
(My notes about this letter. He is talking about a woman he stalked named Sharon. She did move away because he kept breaking the restraining order she had put on him.
I have kept the spelling mistakes.)
