18.3.10

I wont let go. I wont give it up. The pain is in the water. My passions cant swim alone. I am like a fox rather crazy they seem to be saying. I can only see in black and white. There is no grey in my illness. My mother made me this way. She had me fear everything. Maybe today I will forget all that. The flame will destroy my desire for forgiveness. I know, I know, I know. Bears hide in the hail of feathers. I shall die. You make me pray. I was only a child. You ransomed off my innocence. I was a whore to the dolls. The mirror first showed her to me. Green eyes.

12.3.10

I hear you, but I dont know what youre saying. Your words are like music, the bass of you voice. I could dance to this conversation. Lose myself in your melody. Never stop talking to me. The freedom I get from you. So raw and yet there is beauty. Im like the moth that dances around the warmth of the flame. You are my warmth, my flame. We must run to get away from all of this. Im lost in the desert of this life. The little cup of hot water keeps us going. Read the entrails of the sheep. They will tell us where to go. Point over the horizon. Talk to me some more, this dance cant be over.

10.3.10



Why me?

I am lonely can't you see

Or is it just me?

Why can't I find the love

I deserve?

All my friends have,

But then again, Im not them.

Theyre all pretty,

with nice little bodies.

While I am ugly, short and fat,

You know, guys just don't buy

that. Oh well, one day Ill show them,

(my friends and the boys)

that I am much more than

rolley mounds of fat, because I

have feelings too.

just watch, they'll all

be sorry one day,

when Im the prettiest

girl around. maybe my dreams are

just too big for me, but not

for my mind or body

(if you know what I mean)

7.3.10

with the warm blue sky calling. who am i kidding? i need a love i'll never know. i sleep a sleep of mortals. if jesus can't save, then where will i go?the devil, he's already got my soul. the pain i feel.... oh man it's so real. my nails are always dirty, even though i do no work. i am a crazy. the voices i hear, the things i see. she's out there, and she wants me. shooting stars, i think not. under the leaves she lives. wanting to take me with her. her hair they found, and some other things too. they found part of your arm, and few more things i bet. no name. the same as me. i walk alone. my eyes see nothing but the cold hard reality of life. the trees scream. the animals slaughtered. the cows can't move. look in the barn my big fat ass! the kitten is dead. squished in the road. the frogs we run over, there's no place to go.

5.3.10

My mother is dead

August 5, 1985

I grieve for my childhood

I am still 9 years old

20 years ago today

Tears

I want to get on the open road and run

I have nowhere to go

Ill visit her later

Flowers

How can I hurt my father the way he hurt me

I cant

He feels nothing

Void

How can I live

What has god done to me

Yes mother

God really does hate me

The world

You

Everyone

Hate

So why should I miss you

Because you are my mother

I love you

I miss you

You were tortuous to me

Evil

Caring when I was sick

Abusing when I was just being a child

But still

You could have taught me

Sew

Knit

Crochet

But I have learned one thing from you

How not to be a mother

I will give my child all the things you never gave me

Hugs

Kind words

Bed time stories

I will love my child

Unlike the way you loved me

And still

I miss you