270978

Wednesday September 27, 1978

I hesitated for quite some time during Fall break before gaining enough nerve to try and see her again. Even on this very day I circled the house around the house and around the block trying to decide wheather or not to turn in the drive that went to her house.

*You see I think of her a lot now, as I have for the last eight years. She is energy to me, as I go through the, more or less, boring routine of day to day. I am very aware she has become a fantasy to me. She is god, perfect, the “golden tit” you might say. But just to talk to her, or if I see her out somewhere, this energy I can “run on for quite some time. Then it must be recaptured . That’s why I’m here at her house again today. 

I rang the door bell, her mother came and asked me in, as she had befor.  Care for some coffee she ask. No thank you, I answered. Then in almost the same breath, Yea, I will have that coffee too. She asked if I drink it black and went into the kitchen.

I noticed a picture of her Grandson and said, “I see you have a picture of your baby.” “yes,” was her reply, “I miss him too. Their in Colorado now. 

                    *This let me know that the girl I had come to see wasn’t there. I felt kind of relived. You see I feel I must see her, but at the same time don’t want to destroy the fantasy  that she has become.

We sat and drank coffee. I ask why I felt so uncomfortable there. looking at my hands.

* As Nessie showed her head above the water again. Nessie is my paranoia, that  doesn’t show as much as it once did. But still pops up from time to time, so named.

We talked of many different things. She told me they passed where I worked and her husband wondered if I was working.

*Meaning I’m not totally out of mind. 

We talked about my divorce, did I live in an apartment, about my daughter and families in gerneral.

I finished my coffee and said I had an Appointment  to keep. As I was leaving I turned to her mother and said, “I wish I didn’t love your daughter, but I do.”

*Now on other visits I told her I  wouldn’t be back, because I didn’t  want to cause her any trouble, but I keep going back. An interesting  paradox to say the least.

*Notes

(in handwriting) mother said, I got married. it dove me (unintelligible) I learned not to that again.

(My notes about this letter. He is talking about a woman he stalked named Sharon. She did move away because he kept breaking the restraining order she had put on him. 

I have kept the spelling mistakes.)

250818

- August 25, 2018

lay down already! it's so nice out here. yes, it's a cage but really who cares? oh! a nice breeze! don't touch that bee you tard! i would miss the birds. the smell, not so much.

170216

I want to cut so bad. I can feel where the blade wants to dance. but I won't. my blade to me is like liquor to an alcoholic; a drug to a junkie. I'm like them. but I am sober. the temptation is there. always. there. but I will love and respect myself and keep my blade at bay. I have to learn to deal with that addiction. and I have for the most part. it's hard. it's my drug. I love and respect myself. my body has done nothing to hurt me so why should I hurt it? and my therapy has been to write this. there. all better.

how to give a cat eye drops (a true story)

the first and most important thing about giving your cat eyedrops is to make sure its eye is infected. if it is, proceed to the vet.

if you need to go to the vet, now would be the time to pray; maybe say a few hail mary's.

next, get the cat carrier out, hopefully without the cat seeing it. now put the carrier in a small place; the bathroom is an excellent place to put it.

now, coax the kitty into the bathroom. i hope at this time you have put the carrier into the bathtub. the best position for the carrier is to have the opening facing upward. this will make it easier for you.

have 911 ready to go.

pray.

slowly coo and pet the kitty. don't let her know anything is up.

grab the kitty quickly, still cooing her.

open the shower curtain. if she sees the carrier, follow the next step.

                         pray! for the love of god! PRAY!

i hope you have a pint or two of blood ready just incase you suffer deep scratches. it would also be wise to have bandages and other first aide products with you.

if your kitty hasn't seen the carrier, congratulations; you are a cat carrier ninja!

at this point i will assume the cat has been gently but forcibly shoved in her carrier.

you should now check yourself for any injuries you may have incurred.

if you find you are bleeding, please follow the instructions below.

- it's  okay to bleed a little; that's part of the battle.

-if you find blood running or dripping from a body part, please find the tourniquet that is in your first aide kit. at this point you should have 911 on the phone while tying the tourniquet the best you can.

-please try to stay awake.

-if you have discovered that one of your limbs is missing, please do not panic and call 911. please try to stay awake. help is on its way.

okay, now that you are still alive and, hopefully, in one piece; it is now time to place the kitty in the car.

you may notice that the kitty is moving in the carrier and yowling angrily. this is okay. please keep your fingers well away from the openings in the crate. an angry cat can find a way to hurt you if you get to close.

it’s okay to turn the radio up as loud as you need to. if kitty yowls louder, make the music louder; sing loud, too.

you are now at the vet. so far, so good.

the nurse will greet you and take the angry yowling kitty with her.

-at this point the kitty will be weighed.

the vet and her nurse will extract the kitty from the crate.

-she looks at the kitty’s eye and determines the kitty does indeed have an eye infection

the nurse puts the kitty back into he carrier.

the vet will give you some ointment to put into her eye.

pray.

when you and kitty arrive home:

-place the carrier onto the floor.

-quickly undo the latch on the door and run; pray.

once you are the kitty is out of the carrier and far from you, it’s time to put the carrier away until next time.

now would be a good time to go to the bathroom and clean up the mess. you may need to explain it all to the forensics team that is there. it’s just a misunderstanding. show them the injuries if they don’t believe you.

now would be a good time to rest, maybe with a stiff drink.

uh-oh! you see the kitty coming to you.

pray, and do not panic. maybe she wants a cuddle? maybe she wants to finish the job. cats can hold grudges.

at this point it has been several hours later and it’s bed time; it’s also time for kitty’s eyedrops.

once again, pray.

follow the directions for getting kitty into the bathroom.     

now that kitty is dumb enough to have followed you back into the bathroom do the following:

-baby talk and coo at the kitty. you can say such things as “who’s mommy’s wittle baby-waby?” “as you mommy’s kitty? mommy’s wittle kitty-witty.”

-when she has relaxed with the cooing, now would be a good time to pet her softly. if you have a brush nearby, brush her gently; head to tail.

at this time you may notice that kitty is relaxed and purring contently. now would be the time to get the medicine. hopefully, she won’t have noticed this.

now, belly flop on top of her. she will start to hiss, spit, yowl and scratch. pray.

at this point you should have her head between your hands.

-her head should be tilted upwards. it would be in your best intrests to try to keep your hands and fingers away from her teeth.

-open the infected eye as wide as you can. she will fight, but you must keep going.

-place the applicator close to the eye, but not too close. gently squeeze the tube to place the ointment into her eye. at this point kitty should be growling.

-when the ointment is in the eye, or at least near the eye, gently rub the medicine into her eye. your fingers should never actually touch the eye.

now would be a good time to once again examine yourself for any injuries.

congratulations! you have just given kitty her eyedrops. you have two more weeks of this wonderful time to catch up on your rosary.

300113

thats too little bitch to someone
pismo sloth images of luck
i want that shit my much
i need to lose fat because i don't
let me miss out of it

5aug85

my life, my world changed on what was supposed to be an ordinary monday. i will never forget that hot and steamy august monday.

i awoke to see my dad on the red phone that was in the hall, for neither bedroom had doors. when i looked at him, he looked back at me with a worried look on his face. i didn't care, so i turned over and went back to sleep. i awoke again to my dad dressing me. after i was dressed and ready to go, he scooped me up into his arms. as we walked out of the bedroom, i reached back, "my dolls", i whined. i was supposed to take a bag full of barbie dolls to summer day care that day. he mumbled, "it's okay, we'll get them later."

he opened the cold grey metal door, and unlashed the brown storm door. i thought it strange that my mom's grey toyota was still there. but what i found to be even stranger was that we passed up my dad's joy bus, a white vw van. when we reached a cluster of 4 or 5 brown garbage cans, my aunt was there waiting for us. her face was read and tear soaked, the front of her blue quilted nightgown was wet with tears, too. she spoke to him with a venomous hiss, "you goddamn son-of-a-bitch! we loved you! we cared about you!" and she stole me from his arms. he didn't say anything; he just turned and walked away.

she took me into the cool air of her house.we went through the kitchen to get to her bedroom that was painted a strange autumn orange color. she placed me softly onto her perfectly made bed, and whispered to me not to look out the windows. then she turned and left. when i heard the backdoor shut, i got up and crept into the living room. the curtains were drawn, and little light was allowed in. i went to big old brown desk that sat in front of a very large picture window. i climbed up the desk and reached the purple violets that grew in their pretty pots, and opened the curtain to let a sliver of light in. i peeked out and saw an ambulance and several police cars. that's when i saw him walking to a police car at the bottom of the drive way.

he was wearing his usual hospital scrub top, but he was wearing jeans instead of his normal dark blue gym shorts. in his hand he carried his drinking glass, a faded light green-blue plastic thing; the rim had chew marks on it. i know what was in it, iceless coke, the only thing he drank. when i saw this, i became nervous, and jumped off the desk and ran to my mee-maw's room.

she was sleeping but i woke her when i jumped onto the foot of her bed. i quickly transformed myself into a quivering ball. she asked me what was wrong, and i told her there were bears outside, and that they were going to eat everyone. now you may wonder why i thought it was bears. the answer is simple. my mom made me terrified of bears. we lived in the woods, and that was her way of keeping me in the yard, and out of the trees. bears. they would eat me ya know. and now i knew they were going to eat everyone outside. my mee-maw comforted me as best she could. she was disabled by a stroke she had suffered years before i was born. she said that it probably wasn't bears and that everything would be just fine.

my aunt walked into the room and coaxed me to the side of the bed. she kneeled before me and placed her hands on my small knees. in the dimly lit room, i could see the anguish on her face. she looked at me, into my eyes, and said, "sarah, your dad just killed your mom." i put my hands over my eyes and sobbed. but my pain nowhere touched that of my mee-maw's. her wails still haunt me, and i can still hear them, for her room is now my room. her cries have imbedded themselves into the walls, and sometimes they scream out into the still darkness, making my sleep troubled. she screamed at her god, begged her god to not let it be her daughter.

it is after this moment that my mind has chosen to protect me, to keep the sounds out. i never heard the shot, nor the sirens. it was is if i were deaf.

i will forever be grateful to my dad for taking me out of the house. i'm grateful that he didn't allow me to find her. but that is it. he means nothing to us. he betrayed us. he thought he had the right to play god. his selfish act was indeed the ultimate betrayal.

080512

i looked at your face you looked forward do you even see me? mom, do you still love dad? no, i hate him for everything he's done i hug you with tears in my eyes you feel like stone in my arms i miss you, but now i can be at rest and be happy, but not yet free